Vintage Best And Worst: WWF Royal Rumble 1997

Hi guys…David D. here again with the return of the Vintage Best and Worst. We had a little break to recover from the year that was 1996 and we’re hitting 1997 right in its happy place.

Also, we’ll have Racist Gimmicks Of The Week coming soon.

In the meantime, follow me on Twitter and be my friend. I like friends.

Worst: This Is Basically Wrestling For People Who Think Wrestling Is For Dumb People

The opening vignette for the Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Goldust feud is basically everything a non-wrestling fan thinks of when they think of wrestling. So basically it’s a TNA angle. In the 30-second segment we get HHH stealing Marlena Peppy Le Pew style for what we can only assume is an old-fashioned harmless forced sex act and Jerry Lawler asking Goldust if he’s “queer.” To Goldust’s credit, he sells the accusation perfectly as if it’s the most outrageous thing he’s ever heard. To nobody else’s credit, the denial is supposed to be his big babyface turn. “No, no, guys, I just pretend to be gay so you can feel comfortable cheering me now.” You watch something like this and realize just how progressive the genre is now compared to just two decades ago.

…I think.

Worst: Get Colin Raye Out Of Here

Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Goldust spent most of 1996 carrying Marc Mero’s carcass through meaningless In Your House undercards. So it’s nice they get rewarded with a long match to open up the Rumble so we can see them tear it up. The match is going well (thought I wish they’d had a conventional match instead of a No Holds Barred one because they deserved to really show off how good they’d gotten as a mid-card feud) until they cut to a mid-match interview on one of the four biggest pay-per-views of the year. Is it for a backstage fight? An important storyline development?

Nope. To interview country music sensation (?) Colin Raye. If you want to know where wrestling was in 1997, then look no further than the fact country music star Colin Raye was a big enough star to show up on a WWE program that he merited any sort of recognition. Let alone recognition during a goddamn pay-per-view match. This is pre-Attitude Era WWF popularity. By contrast, just one month ago there were so many celebrities at ringside WWE basically just railed off the names and kept it going.

Here’s my favorite Colin Raye song.

Coincidentally it’s the first Colin Raye song you see on Youtube. Coincidentally.

WWE Network

Worst: Gang Warfare

I know I do a column about racist stuff and I could probably dedicate an installment to Farooq vs. Ahmed Johnson so I’ll keep it short(ish) and sweet. First, let’s talk about how much better at everything Farooq is than Johnson. Farooq is actually saying something and making a point: that being he’s tired of White guys winning championships and Black wrestlers getting held down. Ahmed Johnson’s rebuttal is “YAAAAARGH *adjusts fanny pack*” I regret not putting Ahmed Johnson on my list of worst, insufferable guys from 1996 because hot damn.

Beyond all of this, though, my gripe with the Ahmed/Farooq feud is the way it’s treated by commentary. Let’s break down how the feud works: Ahmed Johnson and Farooq don’t like each other. Occasionally, one guy will interfere in another guy’s match. Sometimes one guy swill fight the other guy in the locker room. Basically it’s every other feud ever. But for some reason, every time these two would get into a brawl, Jim Ross would be like “this is a STREET FIGHT” “this is TURF WAR” “THEY’RE TAKING IT TO THE STREETS.” They’re literally in the middle of textbook headlocks and Ross is calling this a back alley fight. WWE: Where It’s Wrestling Unless The Black Guys Do It.

Worst: Let’s Discuss Ahmed Johnson’s Trunks

And now, an important discussion about booty meats.

I realize that I watch a show where men barely wearing clothes get sweaty and pretend to hit each other to our unending delight. They put crotches in each other’s faces and basically participate in 20 hours of homoeroticism every week. So I understand that what I’m about to say is splitting hairs a bit.

But I really can’t take Ahmed Johnson’s trunks. Usually wrestler tights are supposed to be, you know, tight. They’re supposed to hold the butt and kibbles & bits snug. But Ahmed is wearing some sort of stripper-y silk trunks and his butt meats are jiggling freely like a cup of Jello on the dashboard. I don’t understand why he’s essentially wearing tights from the “Vivrant Thing” video and I don’t understand why he’s wrestling with a cheek perpetually exposed, digging his drawls out of his ass after every bump. It’s hard to watch.

Also, Ahmed Johnson isn’t good at the wrestling.