WWE
The Royal Rumble airs this Sunday on WWE Network, and you’ll be hearing a lot of “by the numbers” rundowns of who’s been in the match and for when and how long. To help bolster their presentation, we’ve collected our choices for the 15 saddest performances in Rumble history, from the quickest eliminations to the most puzzling inclusions and everything in-between. Winning the Royal Rumble is a true highlight of a wrestler’s career. These are the people who didn’t win. Didn’t win to the max.
First, a few Honorable Mentions:
WWE
The Kofi Kingston Memorial Spot Spot
The only way to guarantee you’ll never win a battle royal is by having WWE announcers decide you’re great at battle royals. No superstar exemplifies this more than Kofi Kingston, who is regularly included in Royal Rumbles not because he’s good or has a chance to win, but because he’s great at avoiding elimination. Once, usually. Whether it’s walking on his hands or using a desk chair to pogo back to the ring apron, Kofi works harder than anyone to stay in the match — that is, of course, until he’s succeeded. Once he’s done something wacky to avoid elimination he’s the easiest wrestler in the world to eliminate, and is usually gone moments after doing the impossible. Maybe he should get good at lying down and holding the bottom rope?
WWE
Owen Hart – Royal Rumble 1995
Owen spends about three seconds in the Royal Rumble, running full speed ahead into the British Bulldog and getting tossed. It’s Owen Hart, though, and I can’t find it in my heart to put him on a list of the saddest anything in history. Except, well, you know.
Ernest ‘The Cat’ Miller – Royal Rumble 2004
The sad performance that is actually amazing. It involves a man’s hair being eliminated. I watch this clip probably once every six months just to remind myself it exists.
And now, the actual 15 saddest performances in Royal Rumble history.