Music sure is swell, eh? Who doesn’t like a good treble clef or glockenspiel solo or half rest, am I right? Well, if we’ve learned anything from critically acclaimed art rockers Fozzy, it’s that rock music (that thing white dads like!) and wrestling make one heck of a tag team.
In 2002, the World Wrestling Federation released an album that combined rock/nü metal/rapcore/moan men/trash tunez/post dump/#NotAllMen luminaries with pro graps themed subject matter. The result was a jumbo-sized compilation titled WWF Forceable Entry. It was a musical offering where Drowning Pool could rub sledgehammers with Triple H and Limp Bizkit could showcase what a “Dead Man Mix” of “Rollin’” might sound like.
As a public service, I’ll be rolling (dead man mix style) through WWF Forceable Entry to provide a track-by-track rundown of what’s on this fascinating pseudo-sequel to WWF Aggression. My taste is garbage (BARENAKED LADIES DIE-HARD ON THE KEYS), so if my observations are dumb butts bananacakes, just know that I’m wrong and you’re right.
It’s time to ring the bell and let’s get this garbage shower flowin’!
Drowning Pool – The Game (Triple H)
Pffftttt…. Who needs Motörhead when you’ve got Drowning Pool? Everybody, apparently. Holy shit this is miserable. The familiar Motörhead version struts around with this badass air of goofy recklessness (even if at Wrestlemania 21 Lemmy half-chewed/half-forgot the words “GUH YERG A LUH- – *asks security if he’s at an RV show or a monster truck rally*), but Drowning Pool’s take goes the route of wuss metal bumbling complete with misplaced whispering at the start. It’s like subbing out a spine-snapping gorilla that lifts weights to show off a pigeon that brags to his buds that he’s got a bad attitude.
This seems like a good place to give a hearty thumbs up to the other Motörhead Triple H theme that more or less suggests that The Disciplinarian off The Drew Carey Show is Jesus F*cking Christ. Full points awarded there.
Kid Rock – Legs (Stacy Keibler)
Joe C’s sidekick is here to cover ZZ Top and remind sports entertainment fans that Stacy Kei-bler has these long cylinder type things on the lower half of her body. Informative! This scuzzy re-imagining of “Legs” features a bit in the middle that’s intended to show off elite turntablist skills, but it just comes across like the record scratch bit off “MMMBop” was thrown in a fun-house mirror. Is that Uncle Kracker’s doing? Was he gone at that point? Either way, nuts to that dude. Also nuts to this song. Kid Rock’s version of “Legs” has its modest charms in select chunklets but there’s no reason for this thing to rub its musk caked armpit in your face for nearly five minutes straight.
Creed – Young Grow Old (2002 Backlash Theme)
Nothing says whomping ass quite like Scott Stapp! (Just ask the Marlins.) Yes, this was the offi-cial theme for the time Billy and Chuck retained the tag team belts in their tilt with Maven and Al Snow. Clutch that memory close to your bosom, Creed + WWF/E enthusiasts! “Young Grow Old” is moan rock dug up from the bonus tracks off 1999’s Human Clay. It’s one of the more muscly offerings from the band’s catalogue, but it’s still impossibly silly. It’s like something that mutated off a Trey Parker rock anthem and decided that THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. Just look at some of the items from Stapp’s musical musings column that make up this self-indulgent whiff of nut fog.
“There’s a fight between boy and man
See the light through the open door
Sit and watch as the young grow old.”
I bet Stapp put on a clean white tank top once he finished penning those gems and called up the band to tell them that he’d written lyrics so profound that it’d make the public shit their pants. WHY DID WE LET THIS HAPPEN?
Disturbed – Glass Shatters (Stone Cold Steve Austin)
Any musical offering affiliated with Stone Cold Steve Austin that isn’t H-Blockx’s ‘Oh Hell Yeah’ deserves a ticker tape parade and a marble statue in its honour. (I’ve accidentally called many an elementary school teacher “mom” and even I find ‘Oh Hell Yeah’ too embarrassing to relive.) This version is still total garbage though. Austin’s theme was sort of plain to begin with, but it had snazzy glass break noises and bald man walkin’ guitar business. In the clutches of Dis-turbed, we get David Draiman going on about how he’s gonna break the limit inside you like he’s in an Alta Vista BDSM chatroom. It’s meant to sound badass, but it really just sounds like some-one having a gallbladder attack at Jerry Lawler’s sparklebro t-shirt warehouse.